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My Wife Does Something Strange When We Sleep
Chapter 1. Our Humble Life My wife and I share everything. Well, we are young millennials in our mid twenties so why shouldn’t we? Hell, we each have social media profiles with aggregates of 900 plus followers and we regularly pour out our every emotion online anyway. There is no need for a secret journal or anything like that when we willingly… no, when we are compelled to share our every whim and thought online. It is this openness (which so regularly saturates our weekly vibe) that was suddenly missing the week leading up to this post. The events I try my best to sum up for you today contrasted starkly with my wife's normal behavior. It was this sudden change that led me to almost being scared me to death. You see, normally when something bad happens there is a lead up, some kinda warning. But no. Not in this case. My wife is involved in some sadistic recreation. My emotion was fear and my first thought was to run and not ever come back to my house. But, I can’t leave her. First, I have seen too much and secondly, I can’t abandon her. I can't leave her because I love her too much. Thus, my only choice is to join her in her endeavors. Let me first start by telling you a little about ourselves so that you can understand just how normal we were. If you indulge me in my idyllic description of my life I can then go on to tell you about the two strange nights I had. My wife and I were high school sweethearts. Nobody really uses that term anymore so let me not show my age and rephrase it. My wife and I were high school lovers. We Netflix’ed, we chill’ed, we made sweet, sweet love. But this is my wife we are talking about so you creeps can’t get all the details. Suffice to say the worst thing that ever happened to us was one of those curable STD’s. I don’t care how many people she slept with before me but since she has been mine I’m all she has known. But what I saw…what I discovered a couple nights ago and combined with what she just showed me leads me to believe she has experienced perverse encounters (possibly intimate)...of another kind. To be honest, I don’t know if I am more mad or more obsessed with this new reality. I am having a hard time deciding the stronger emotion. You have to consider at first I was angry with her for waiting so long to tell me about her encounters. Yet, that anger was thoroughly overshadowed by the fact that I enjoyed the revelation. Do not get me wrong at the time I was terrified but as the Halloween night progressed I realized I was riding a wave of adrenaline and euphoria. As I promised earlier let me introduce myself and my wife. We are millennials but we are financially stable and independent. I’m a scientist and my wife is a stay-at-home mom/entrepreneur. She has a side hustle that started as a hobby but blossomed into a full blown “I’m about to use the skills I learned when I got my MBA” small business. She sells cupcakes, but not just any kind. She works on the principle of what she codified the “time-sensitive modified dish rotation method”. She laughs when I talk about it because I give it a different name every time I bring it up. Once I even called it the “codified time-to-name-your-dish method”. The basic idea is that she offers up seasonal flavors but also is constantly coming up with new standard flavors. At one point she even branched out into full-blown cakes. So when I say she has a kind heart and is gentle you should believe me because she is. And of course, she also does catering and has tapped local businesses for short-term events. But like all good things, the creative, when given the right motivation, can use their talents for more devious means. I on the other hand work at a research hospital. There’s not much to tell about me because I’m not that interesting. Smart, sure. Interesting, not so much. Well, at least I used to be uninteresting. However, this newfound talent my wife has will have my coworkers dying of envy at the next office party…or perhaps just dying of fright. We aren’t killers; it’s nothing like that. Okay, it’s something like that but we aren’t harming what you would call “people”. We just hurt “persons” or better put “entities”. My wife is an intelligent woman and surprisingly is not one to believe in the supernatural, UFO’s, or poison in the water conspiracy theories. She didn’t believe in mass-surveillance by the government but who really genuinely did other than quacks? She, like the other 99.9% of us were wrong on that one so she gets a pass. The government is notoriously good at keeping secrets after all (so occasionally the quacks are technically correct). I can’t say I agree with “secrets” plural. But sure, they have one or two good secrets under-wraps like say the nuclear launch codes! Anyway, as I said earlier my wife knows how to use her head and that’s probably why she waited so long to tell me about her newfound ability. And points on the creep factor for actually showing me on the night of Halloween. Chapter 2. A Few Nights Back A few nights ago like normal I was the last to crawl into bed after running through my evening and PM checklist: Was the dishwasher still running and would I have to worry about some of my knives rusting? Were the refrigerator doors closed all the way to prevent frost buildup? Did my wife make sure to not leave the warming drawer on for the millionth time? All these things can keep me up at night but so can more traditional concerns like work and bills so such. Last thing I did before my head hit the sack was set the house alarm to “stay”. I live in an older house and floors squeak to the exact patterns of footsteps, dishwashers make “knocking sounds”, and clothes dryers sound like someone trying to break in. I don’t have the time nor patience to go all Rambo and break-out the kick spins and somersaults to "properly" ambush would-be killers and bad guys. I was in gymnastics way back when, but only for a year. Sadly, that was only long enough to learn how to do a forward and backwards roll. So the house alarm system goes on (since I can’t stealthily knock out intruders) and I sleep peacefully. Well, it was my expectation to sleep peacefully. And I was sleeping until around 4:32 am when the 120 decibel alarm system started wailing. I immediately reached for the gun under my pillow before realizing I don’t even own a gun. But, those seconds of confusion were all I needed for the fogginess of the dream world to wear off. I was suddenly alert, so I know what happened over the next couple of minutes were not a dream. My nonexistent gun was my first thought but my wife was a very close second– I’d say a tie with first. Let’s just say in one motion I reached for my gun and glanced toward my wife at the same instance to see if she was okay. Trust me, the later version of the events will keep my wife happy and you know what they say about a happy wife… But what shocked me was that she wasn’t there. I mean she was just there, but she wasn’t any longer. Under my gaze the indention she left in the bed was just starting to rise and I felt the last of her leftover body heat dissipate into the room. What the hell? I asked myself. What could of set off the alarm and why did it feel like my wife was here in the room but not here? I threw on my man-slippers and struggled to run out the room while slipping a one-size too small sleeveless shirt on. Somehow in my confusion, fright, and clumsiness I ran straight into the doorframe and then I took a tumble. I had hit my arms on the top of the frame and my head on the door. I couldn’t see anything still (because my shirt was half over my head) but I sure felt embarrassed. Note: I really need to wear size appropriate clothes even while going to bed. I don’t know who came up with the stupid myth that it is okay to go to bed in oversized shirts for women or too tight shirts for men. I digress, as I got up in a fit of rage I tore my shirt in two and walked over to the laundry room trashcan to toss it. At this point I realized something: I had completely and totally forgotten about the alarm going off. You see, the reason I had forgotten about the alarm was because it was no longer going off. Not so much spooked as dumbfounded I wondered if I had managed to knock myself unconscious during the whole shirt verses chest and arms ordeal. Stupid me, I didn’t check the time when I had first gotten up so I ca… I did check the time and I don’t know why that fact escaped me. It was 4:32 am. I rushed into the kitchen downstairs with the nearest clock and noticed two odd things. First and by far the scariest was that the time was now 3:33 am. I mentioned earlier that my wife was intelligent enough not to believe in the supernatural but I never said I was that intelligent. I’m a scientist sure so I suffer from crippling rational thinking sometimes. But, sometimes rational thinking leads to a belief in the supernatural. It’s only rational to believe if the dead go somewhere when they die “something” has to make sure they get where they are going or make sure they don’t stick around here in the world of the living. In case you don’t know what I’m hinting at 3:33 am is supposed to be the “witching hour”. It has something to do with the Devil’s perversion of God’s holy number and so on and such. I didn’t say I believed in that nonsense specifically but it is creepy that I tend to wake up from nightmares at that exact time of the supposed "witching hour". But to stop me from getting further distracted telling the story I’ll skip to the part about the other thing I noticed that was off. You know aside from the fact that I seemed to have traveled back in time to the “satanic hour” –but that will make since later. I noticed the case of cupcakes my wife was supposed to deliver tomorrow were gone from the kitchen. I didn’t eat them and she certainly didn’t have time to deliver them as she was busy being asleep… I rushed upstairs as I had totally let my wife down in my husband duties. I had failed to protect her because I had completely forgotten I was also looking for her. I got to our bedroom and ducked down while crossing the doorframe (just in case). When I popped my head back up I saw my wife was fast asleep. She was looking peaceful and graceful as ever. Most importantly, she was not disturbed by the alarm going off nor from me jumping out of bed. She wasn’t there before. I know this for sure. The only way she could have gotten back in the room was if she stepped over my unconscious body to get back to bed. One: that would be incredibly rude, and two: that would mean I did indeed knock myself unconscious. That still didn’t explain the whole time-shift thing but then I looked back at my clock and it was 4:35 am. Somehow, either three minutes had passed or time went backwards nearly and hour and I then spent nearly the next hour staring at the lack of cupcakes on the counter and walking back up the stairs. If it takes that long for me to get up the stairs I think it is time I talk to my wife about getting me a stair-lift. You know, I heard those things take a minute and a half just to climb a single story of stairs, pathetic! Anyway, I mentioned I’m a scientist and am completely rational so I subscribe to the philosophical concept of the razor. It’s the idea that when there are two competing theories the one that is the simplest, that is the one with the least assumptions, is the correct answer. So now I’m suddenly and completely convinced that the clock in the kitchen had not been set correctly and I did indeed only waste three minutes of my time. I’ll check in the morning and I’ll ask my wife about those darn cupcakes. Chapter 3. Halloween Night Morning comes quickly, as it always seems to do and tonight is halloween. I told my wife it would be nice to bake cupcakes for trick-or-treaters but she mentions something about razor blades being hidden in treats when she was a kid. Parents are more aware now so nowadays unwrapped treats are unacceptable. I casually slip in the fact that the cupcakes she was supposed to deliver today were missing and she assures me she is Superwoman and managed to get them delivered already. I never got around to getting her to specify when exactly she delivered them. You know how wives can be sometimes…especially when they have something planned for you to do with your own time. She handed me a list of chores to do and heavily insisted that I spend my time doing errands around the house rather than shopping online for last minute Halloween discount sales. She knows me too well. It’s too late to order a costume online so she knew I would really be cosplay shopping. Don't judge me, I’m not one of those kinda nerds who spend hundreds or even thousands on a costume. I wait ever so patiently even if it is for months or years for the right combination of parts to go on sale and then I pounce on it. That’s how I got one for those skin-tight full body suits for twenty bucks one year. Maybe that’s why patience is a virtue. I proceed to pulling out my list of things to do today while pocketing my wife's list without even looking at it. I already know what it says –or at least have a great deal of certainty of what could be on there. If it was really important she would of told me face-to-face rather than burying it in a list. That and the fact that if I actually take time to finish the list my reward would be yet another list. Sigh… I love my wife, I swear, but where do women get this notion that men need lists? I say this, but I also realize somehow I’m online and searching discount Halloween costumes. Dang it. So I proceed to spend the majority of my off day running her (or is it “our”) errands. I get back late just in time for a once hot but now cold supper and proceed to start my evening checklist before winding down and heading to bed. Really, what that meant was checking some door locks and then squeezing in one or two episodes of something on Netflix while simultaneously depriving myself of one or two hours of much needed sleep. Somehow, I managed to not actually do any of my nightly chores but I did manage to squeeze in watching Ouija: Origins of Evil and the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I actually was pretty tired after that and was feeling kinda edgy after watching two horror movies on Halloween night. I told you already; I don’t believe in all the supernatural so the movie about the Ouija board didn’t keep me up at night. But the Texas Chainsaw Massacre…that’s a different story. I have real fears of stopping at a crazy small town off the highway to fill up for gas and finding it full of chainsaw wielding murderers. Stopping off the side of any highway in between major towns is always disconcerting. I’ve had bad experiences before. During one summer a simple fill up cost me a very unpleasant encounter with some super sketchy sales people who where roaming outside a gas station. I was by myself and this really was in the middle of nowhere. Okay, it seemed almost kinda legit until they smiled and I realized all of their teeth were rotten. An awareness of my surroundings suddenly kicked in and I realized there were no witnesses around. I easily could have been robbed, or attacked, or worse. As soon as I saw their rotten teeth I realized no legitimate company would hire them so I talked myself out of the situation. I got in my car and left quite hastily. I only stopped in major cities after that. So obviously, I was primed for some night frights. I filled my head with horror scenes right before bedtime and that is on me. But the freak show my wife put on later that night, was on her. Some parts of Halloween night I simply do not remember. For instance, I don’t actually remember when I went to bed or when I set the house alarm or if I brushed my teeth. First world problems, I know. But once again at 4:23 am the house alarm woke me up blaring its siren. And once again my wife was not in bed. This time her spot was eerily cold and something like a darkness seemed to fill the room. And for some reason it took much longer to clear the fogginess from my head. Honestly, I’m not even sure I proceeded with a clear head at all. Though, that mental fogginess didn’t stop me from realizing there was a very real physical fog that hovered only a few inches above the ground. It came up to my ankles and coated my bare feet with an ash like substance. I quickly realized my bladder was full and had to rush to the master bathroom. While relieving myself I noticed the to-do list my wife had given me earlier. It was unfolded and on the bathroom counter. The note sat not too far a distance from my jeans, which were sprawled on the bathroom floor. I glanced back to the list and noticed the last item which said, “come and see me tonight”. My mind immediately went to something sensual but when I remembered the cold indentation of her left in the bed and the dark presence a sinking feeling came over my body and I shuddered. I thought back to the clock that seemed to be off by an hour the other night and thought maybe I should head to the kitchen. I ducked while walking under the doorway and headed that way. What I saw simultaneously terrified me and relieved me at the same time. When I say "relieved", I mean, when I saw my wife, my bowels emptied. That is, what was left in my intestines and into my pajama bottoms. She was in the walk-in kitchen pantry with the largest kitchen knife we owned in her left hand. Her right hand was pressed to the chest of some creature. This entity had the head and body of a roach, but the legs of a deer. My wife’s right hand was glowing like metal being heated. It alternated between yellow, orange, and red and was sinking deeper and deeper into the creature’s chest. Next thing you know some sort of ash was coming off in chunks of powder from the creature. Specifically, it was coming down from the spot my wife’s hand was on. When the powder reached the cold floor, it started to sublimate, essentially boiling and that was the source of the fog that floated all through the house. I proceeded to soil myself for a second time and then my bladder soiled me immediately after that. My wife was slaying some sort of demon. When she saw me, she yelled something in a foreign language in my direction. A few moments later my world seemed to slow. I stumbled, but kept my footing. But for some reason my ears started to ring. All the sound around me seemed to be muffled. The ringing in my ears turned out to be a result of a concussive explosion. This explosion originated from the direction of my wife. When I regained my bearings, I noticed the creature was gone. Well, it was still there but its body was in pieces. My wife was covered in slimy fluid and thick tar was plastered all over the kitchen walls. Damn. My first thought was that my wife fantastically defeated a demon. My second thought was that I felt and smelled horribly. I noticed that my wife was still trying to communicate with me but I still could not understand her. I really needed a shower and maybe that was what my wife was yelling to me. Next thing I know I have a perspective of the ceiling and my back was on the floor. This time I really did faint and it was a delayed response to what I had just seen. My wife rushed over to me and proceeded to do more yelling in the foreign language, but the sound was still muffled. Apparently, the physical interaction with the demon transiently affected her. Being in direct contact with other-worldly beings temporarily makes you more like them. There is a hidden, unseen world around us. We can be influenced by those from the world over but we can not influence them. That is unless you are my wife. When I didn’t respond, she spit on her fingers and placed them into my ear canals. Immediately, I could hear perfectly and she seemed to be speaking normally now. Later I would discover what she did was called syncing. You see, demons communicate with each other through a biological means. Since humans aren’t demons the best they can do is whisper to us on an unconscious level. But, with an intricate exchanging of fluids (more on that later) humans can communicate with demons trying to phase into our world. In fact, with help humans can phase into the demon plane. The spiritual world and the world of the humans is interconnected but not readily crossable. The worlds occupy the same space but are on mis-aligned planes. And there are physical rules that govern how these worlds interact. There are barriers in place that control these interactions but there are exceptions. For instance, a human who has physically touched a demon can pull one (which has gotten stuck crossing between planes) to the human plane or push it back to the demon plane. Demons once touched by humans can then fully cross between planes. The reason I could not understand my wife at first was because her body was suffering from plane crossing jet lag. The part of her brain responsible for speech had not yet crossed back. She was communicating like a demon, which is why I couldn’t understand her. The other-worldly physics were still affecting her. But when she spit on her fingers and placed them in my ears she essentially did a sync with me. Demons all share the same biological source so they can communicate. A human though has to exchange body fluids with a demon and the demon has to give fluids back for proper communication. If a group of people want to travel to the demon plane together a complicated mixing of fluids from all involved has to occur. Else, there is a chance everyone’s arrival times would be drastically different. For the first time that night my wife finally uttered words that I could understand. She said, "I'm guessing if I told you to go back to bed and forget about this you wouldn't be able to?” She helped me sit up and after a few moments I was able to stand to my feet. I noticed what I thought was a knife earlier was actually a machete (and my wife was suddenly more bad-ass than I originally thought) and she handed it to me. In all the confusion the only thing I managed to say was “the cupcakes”? She nodded in response. As I mentioned earlier I am fairly intelligent and so is she. She knew I wasn't satisfied with her answer to the missing cupcakes and knew we would talk about it again. And apparently my wife thought the sooner the better, which is why she slipped me the note. Whether that last line about "coming and seeing her that night" was added when she first gave me the note or later that day I can't say for sure. Plus, my wife really did want to share her experience with me. She just could’t figure out the right way to tell me. Though, after what I had seen, now was as good a time as ever to catch me up to speed. Over the next few minutes my wife proceeded to catch me up on all the details of her latest business dealings. For starters, she wasn’t as good a salesperson as I thought. Or more accurately she was way better than anyone would believe. The deal is that she didn’t have as big a traditional audience as I was led to believe. She hadn’t been selling all of her cupcakes to humans. Apparently, when you place ads on social media for your business the algorithms often target weird groups of audiences. Sometimes these audiences include mediums and spiritualists. These spiritualists occasionally have day jobs that lead them to interact with regular people. Except under the ruse of everyday things like cashiers and bank tellers –as if those were their only jobs. When a medium is excited enough about a product literally all the dead know. They can't stop talking about it even when they are performing their more sinister work. Happy customers talk about the product I guess. Anyway, one of my wife's customers eventually invited her for a reading (with the payment being cupcakes of course). One thing lead to another and the next thing you know your business expands beyond this plane into a space more ethereal. Depending upon how spiritual you are one can not necessarily call those that live in the other plane "demons", but in absence of any other terms I'll stick with that for the time being. Eventually, I asked about the roach deer. She said she tried not to judge her customers but it was a relatively new client and it really loved her cupcakes. The other plane isn't exactly free market capitalism so my wife sometimes has to get aggressive with the customers. Demons don't exactly die per say but death on this plane requires physical contact with a human again before they can fully cross over. My wife didn’t actually “kill” the demon. What she did was more of a contract re-negotiation. The roach deer would re-spawn but no longer would it be able to cross completely over to our plane. My wife was previously under the impression that each being would stick to their respective planes with demons only indirectly influencing this world. In my wife’s words she tells them, “don’t call me, I’ll call you”. So when the roach deer tried to fully materialize in this plane a few nights ago and again tonight my wife had to take care of it. Not to mention this roach deer was sort of a terrible customer. Apparently, it didn’t have exact change and my wife was less a “salesperson” in this other plane and more of a mob boss (my words not hers). She "don’t take no nonsense". She is far from an expert in crossing over though. The other night I still felt her presence in the room because she tried to go back to bed while still in the other plane before she realized her mistake. She even tried to leave the house several times while in the other plane and it made the house alarm act kinda funny. Also, when you cross back and forth too quickly some local time distortions can occur leading to stuff like time temporarily rewinding and then rushing back and forward all at once. The problem with the roach deer got bad enough that my wife did seek reinforcements tonight just in case. So she was still expecting another visitor. Sure enough while we were still talking some other creature appeared in the pantry doorway but she quickly gave it the “just a moment” hand signal. My brain was working fast now and I realized that was the visitor and they must have been working together. This creature had the face and body of a javelina, yet it walked on two legs. And not surprisingly, had frosting on its lips. Guess she knew it from the business too. Seriously, my wife needs to be more selective about who she caters to. Money isn't everything. Once that creature materialized I couldn't stop staring so after a while, to break the tension, my wife asked me if I wanted to help her. I was still spooked and couldn't get any words to cross my lips so I just got up, nodded, and followed her. But before we got to the pantry I had to ask her why a kitchen of all places was the point to cross to another plane. She quoted something from a woman I had never heard of before: "Cooking is one of the strongest ceremonies for life." Apparently, cooking is a spiritual activity so the fact that my wife fights demons and does so in a kitchen only makes since... Or perhaps transporting food from a kitchen in one plane to a kitchen in another is more sanitary. She grabbed more cupcakes and we walked to the pantry. She instructed me to cough up phlegm and spit it on my left shoulder. Remember, exchanging fluids with those that have been or are from beyond is necessary to interact with another plane. She then sucked it up and spit it back out on my right shoulder. I sucked that up and spit it on her left shoulder and her friend (the wild pig creature) sucked it up and spit it back on her right shoulder. She then handed be a copy of the new testament Bible. Apparently, that was what she used to explode the deer roach! The pantry seemed to shake and boxes of food fell off the shelf. The pantry darkened but then lightened up only halfway. The room shook again and the room darkened even more but lightened up only a fraction of the original amount. My wife opened up the pantry door which had swung shut at some point. It seemed like we were still in our kitchen... except it was darker than usual. Probably like twice as dark as it normally was when there were no lights on. Everything also seemed slightly out of phase. I remembered that the planes overlap but are out of phase. So by deduction we were apparently in one of the other planes. My wife saw me struggling to see and said, “When you travel among the planes the light only moves in one direction so it is not as bright. We are on this earth but no longer among the people of this earth." Photons are interesting creatures and can behave as either a particle or a wave and that apparently allows it to travel between planes. When you turn on a light, photons are expelled from the light bulb. But when you turn the lights off where do the photons go? Apparently to other planes, but they stay there for a short time as well. Given demons do not use lightbulbs the photons in this new plane would not stick around forever. My wife continued, "We don’t have much time before all the light from this period is gone... and we still have cupcakes to deliver." Damn, my wife sure is one hell of a business woman. Category:Demon/Devil Category:Dreams/Sleep